Ask most people and they'll describe me as someone who's calm, peaceful and easygoing. In fact more than one person has told me that they can't imagine me ever being mad. But I can get angry. I just have a habit of saving it up for the people I love most in the world.
Last week I came home from work and was instantly irritated because I thought my teenage son should have done more to clean up. So I was snappish and surly and did passive-aggressive kinds of things, like grabbing the bag of trash and noisily slamming the door behind me as I took it out to our dumpster. When I calmed down a bit and was talking to Carman later on he said, "I always feel kind of scared when you come home because I never know if you're going to be mad at me." I felt so awful. My son was right. I take things out on him that sometimes have nothing to do with him. I snap at him for doing things I want him to intuitively know I want him to do without me asking him. I asked my son to forgive me. I asked God to forgive me and I told Carman that from now on we'll discuss expectations. Keeping vows are not always easy for me, but I made a vow to myself and God that I will never walk in the house after work and start yelling at my son. Ever. I feel like this vow is easy to keep - in my heart I have carved it in stone and signed it with my blood.
It is so humbling and difficult being human sometimes. I don't think I'll ever run out of lessons to learn while I'm on this planet. My son immediately gave me his forgiveness when I asked for it. I don't think I'd be able to make it through this journey without knowing a God of love and forgiveness. May Christ continue to flow through me, and may I constantly be reminded that my loved ones deserve more from me than just a few leftover drops of God's love and compassion.
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6 comments:
We can all count on learning lessons each and every day and it is usually our loved ones that teach us the hardest lessons isn't it? I have a six year old boy that does a very good job of reminding me when my actions don't line up with my words and what I teach them. Very humbling as well. I thank God for His grace and pray my example can become more Christ like.
Lori, it is humbling, isn't it? I'm grateful I have my son as a mirror, especially as a single mom. You're right - our loved ones usually teach us the hardest lessons and the ones we most need!
Kids are our best accountability partners aren't they?
I so appreciate your humanness Anne! I can so relate of how I can take things out on my girls when they had nothing to do with what put me in the bad mood!
I always fear one day they won't forgive me or harbor ill feelings. Continuing to ask for forgiveness and making daily efforts to change with God's wisdom and strength will help us be a human example of God's grace!
His strength is made known in our weakness, amen?
It's a wonderful thing to "admit" our sin to our children. So often, they see us as something we're not...infallible. My mother was always good at apologies. By her example, I strive to be "good" at apologies.
What a great legacy to pass on!
Lynn and Randee, you're both very encouraging. Yes, daily I need to ask for forgiveness, and daily I pray for God's wisdom and strength to come make a home in me. Lynn, it's nice to hear you say you appreciate my humanness - it's nice to know that baring my soul somewhat hasn't shocked anyone!
I have a post on my blog titled A Tue Proverbs 31 Woman. With much the same theme. I find entirely too often, I need to apologize to my family and especially my children, because they get what's "left over" at the end of the day. Luckily, I have learned the humility of apology (most of the time, anyway.) I am still human though.
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